Bring on 2010

2009 was a truly nasty year, and I am thrilled to see it end.  Why?  Like the poet, 'let me count the ways":

Mom spent three months in hospital and rehab.

She's lost some ground mentally and physically.

I had many teeth extracted; broke a toe; hit my head against the upstairs wall; slipped on the ice, and messed up a tendon in my left arm; and got 'a flu like virus'.  All this, while taking care of the aged parent.

a close, and young relative had a substance abuse problem, which caused much heartbreak.

On the other hand, I have vowed to lose weight and write more, but I must get to the bank and supermarket, or there will be no tasty salmon in yogurt sauce tonight.

'Let's Go Get Stoned"

It seems that urinary tract infections as well as antibiotics, can trigger temporary dementia in senior patients.  The Aged Parent has got a nasty UTI, and has been in rare form since Sunday.  On that day, she refused to get out of bed, despite the best efforts of myself and Ginny ( my sister) to get her up.  At one point, Mom said " I just can't put the pieces together" and we gave up at that point, figuring if she was that confused, she might risk falling during the bed to wheelchair transfer.

So, I had to change Mom's adult diaper, which made her quite hostile.  After I got her to lay down on the bed, she glared at me, and said in an angry voice ' you just love this. don't you?"  and I said no, I did not really care for it at all.  She then said 'it gives you power over me".  I never really thought of what power I accrued while changing a soiled or wet adult diaper.  Am I supposed to feel like Catherine The Great or Elizabeth I of England?    No, Mom is a control freak who is losing control of her world, and isn't too pleased about it.

Some of her hallucinations have been pretty funny, because she won't be told they are mistaken.  Sunday night, she asked Ginny why she had a piece of bread on top of her head.  Ginny tried explaining it was the top of her ponytail, but Mom wouldn't be told, so I hid my laughter behind the pages of 'Being George" ( an oral biography of George Plimpton).

Yesterday, after I got back from my doctor's appointment, Mom asked "did Michael call?".  I said "Michael?"  thinking she meant my ex brother in law.  She looked at me pitingly and said "Michael Crawford.  He's supposed to come by the house and teach me to ride a Vespa scooter".  I just like the image of Michael Crawford ( phantom of the opera) and Mom on a Vespa, like Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck in 'Roman Holiday.".

'It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year"

Things got a little rough this morning:  Mom had a very messy bowel movement, and the clean up got rather complicated.  Lots of wipes, body cleaner, paper towels, and I just gritted my teeth, figuring her cleanliness was far more important.  So,  the job was done, but I could tell how ashamed Mom was.  Nobody enjoys being cleaned up:  far better to do the job yourself.  I am still undwinding from the ordeal--shutting my eyes to the mess and the smell.

If only she'd start using the commode.  Much better for the both of us.  Mom could wipe her own bottom, which would probably give her a sense of empowerment.  She might even be nicer to me, since I should have less power over her.  Mom does have the physical ability to walk and cleanse herself, but choose both the wheelchair, and having her adult diaper changed by me.

Odd thing about it was that Grandma, who lived here for 5 years or so before her death, was far more independent.  Grandma's hip was worn down from osteoarthritis, and she was supposed to have hip replacement surgery, but the doctor discovered she needed a pacemaker, which put an end to the hip replacement.  Mom bought Grandma a wheelchair, but Grandma refused to use it, and shuffled around the house with her walker.  The family cat, Snoopy, used to like sitting in the wheelchair, and being taken for a ride, with her tail sticking out between the back and seat panel.  

Well, I wish Mom had more of Grandma's spunk.  I wish I had it, too.

Soon It Will Be Christmas Day

This hasn't been such a wonderful year.  Being hospitalized for two months must have been awful for Mom.  I can't begin to imagine what it was like for her.  No wonder she retreated into a state of 'hospital psychosis"  At 83, the reality that you are not home, but in a hospital, where nobody really loves, or cares about you, must be insupportable.  No wonder Mom insisted she was living in Helen Gorra's basement, or the airport, or a hotel, or Southhampton, etc.  Can 'hospital psychosis' be a defense mechanism?

In 2010, I want to achieve more productivity:   Thank God that the visiting nurse agreed to give Mom a 9 week extension on a home health attendant.  This gives me nine weeks:  just over two months, to get my plans in order.  I wish to exercise both body and mind:  lose at least 40 pounds; join a support group; write steadily; pass the bar exam and find a part time job in a local law firm.

If I am happier with myself, I will become more patient with Mom.  In my defense, I have to say she can be rather selfish, but that is because I have allowed it.  There is a way to break the cycle of codependency that began almost 52 years ago.  It is time to make far more of my life, and time for her to do the same.

Early New Years' Resolutions

To write each and every day.  To present an objective look at Mom's life, as well as my life.  I need to be more patient with her.  No, it isn't easy for me when she gets very demanding.  Our encounter last week demonstrates the whole relationship.

Mom began calling me at 630am.  I was in the middle of a 'flu like virus' and my fasting blood sugar ( when I dragged myself out of bed) was low --43.  While laying in bed, I had a real dizzy spell.  So, I am lying in bed, and I hear Mom moving about.  When I got up, I was thrilled to see she had manage to get up and change her own adult diaper.  Naively, I am pleased thinking she'd really turned the corner and must be so happy.

Not so fast, caregiver.  I go to greet Aged Parent whose first words are "I'm angry at you.  I had to change my own Depends".  I said 'well, I'm not feeling well--had a dizzy spell, and I think my blood glucose is low".  Said HM " that's no excuse".  I saw red, and just got so angry, saying things like 'you aren't the only person around here with health issues.  You treat me like a servant.  If it happens to you, it's a medical problem, but if it happens to me, it's an excuse for slacking off".  So, we did our usual cold Irish American anger for a while and eventually, Mom apologized.

That, on top of having a flu-like virus, while Mom had bronchitis.  This hasn't been a fun year, and I am glad it's almost over.

La Vie en Rose

I have not blogged in a while, because I've been very busy looking after the Aged Parent.  Thanksgiving was really the holiday from hell.  Mom fell in the afternoon, while attempting to transfer from the wheelchair to the toilet.  She struck her knee against the doorframe, so I figured we'd better take her to the emergency room for an x ray.  Luckily, we'd ordered dinner from a local deli/caterer, so all that had to be done was heat and serve.

But wait; there's more.  I did not take a housekey because I was rushing to get into the ambulance with Mom.  Later, my Sister did not take her key because she forgot, then figured I had one.  No.  So, when my BIL brought me back home to eat some dinner, we had to break into the house.  He managed to break his glasses while breaking a storm window and I popped the screen off the front window, but sprained my ankle while sliding off the stoop.

Anyhow, Mom was OK--a possible hairline fracture, but nothing too serious.  The Tylenol with  codiene made her quite difficult.  She thought we only had three shopping days until Christmas; woke me at 4Am because she was bored, or believed it was time to get Ginny up for work ( not at 4am) forgot how to transfer from wheelchair to bed, so spent the weekend sleeping in her beige lounger chair.

It was not much fun.  Due to the stress of caregiving, and Thanksgiving, I've gained 5 pounds.  The goal is to eat sensibly, exercise, and lose the weight before Christmas.