Resolutions

Oh, God I am a terrible person, but Mom's singing drives me nuts. It is as though she has to dominate her setting by song. I wonder if the Von Trapp family really enjoyed singing, or did Maria force it upon them? Interesting idea, controlling your offspring with grace notes, three quarter time or the dotted punctum.

Why do I hate the singing? Mom has a good voice--she wanted to be a professional singer, but obeyed her father who told her only loose women went into show business. It's hard for me to understand that concept: does that mean the seemingly virginal Doris Day was a hoochie Momma? No, I think my Irish American grandfather had a very stereotyped view of women, and forced his view upon Mom. As an obedient daughter, she went to graduate school and became a speech teacher, married, and raised 4 daughters.

On long car trips, Mom always sang because " I don't like the silence". As I got older, this annoyed me because I enjoyed the silence. When you lived with two older sisters, and one younger, silence was a rare event, and I treasured it. But, the silence of my thoughts would be shattered by a song: 'The Wild Goose Song" ( sung with Yiddish accent, no less, or as Prince Charles would say 'thank you very much) or "Climb Ev'ry Mountain".

If I wasn't thinking, or fantasizing, I was playing my own songs in my head--and they often got drowned out by Mom's. Like many daughters, I felt she was invading my inner dreams, and 'killing them softly with her song'. Mom has no idea of how I really felt--a case of 'do I ever get to sing my song"? She's always defended herself by saying " I sing because I'm happy. don't you want me to be happy?". My silent rebuttal would be 'how can you achieve happiness by driving the rest of the family insane?"

Anyhow, the first resolution is to use the Season of Advent as a time to find my own voice.